Is there a good way to say “no” to plus-ones?

AKA how to not be afraid of confrontation forever…

Look, I have always been a person who has a hard time saying no to things. Call it people pleasing, call it a fear of disappointment, call it what you like.

If you enjoy hosting as much as I do, you know that with all of its many wonders can come a slew of slightly anxiety-inducing questions.

“Can I bring anything?” Yes, but I’m too afraid to ask for what I actually need.

“Is it okay if we get there pretty late?” Sure, I definitely don’t have plans to be curled up in bed by 10 later…

And, of course, the dreaded “can I bring a plus-one?” *Stares at phone in silence knowing my place can really only fit the group I’ve already invited.*

That’s the one I’m thinking about today—the old plus-one debacle.

One of the greatest lessons that hosting (and many years of therapy) have taught me is this: “no” is a complete sentence. You don’t have to give a reason when you set a boundary, but if you want to as a host, I want to set you up with my go-to toolkit for avoiding plus-ones you didn’t ask for.

If we think about the question “is there a good way to say ‘no’ to plus-ones” — it’s really less is there a “good” way and more, is there a way that doesn’t make you, the host, feel like the bad guy? At the end of the day, someone else’s feelings about how you want to host your event are for them to manage, not you. There certainly isn’t one, single “right” way, but I’ve got a few suggestions of ways I’ve successfully addressed (AKA dodged) that dreaded question.

9 ways to say no—before the question even comes (a guide to refer back to when you need to let someone down easy)

Psst… add one of these lines to your invitation before you send it out, or use a variation of the below to help form a reply if someone asks you for a plus-one you can’t accommodate!

The assertive:

We are unable to accommodate plus-ones at this time. We apologize for the inconvenience… hope to see you there!

The casual:

No plus-ones, please!

The simple:

While we wish we could, we cannot accommodate plus-ones at this time.

The gentle:

While I’d love to have everyone come, I can only fit so many people at my place, so no plus-ones, please!

The cheeky:

No plus-ones, because… well… I said so! xoxo

The two-word wonder:

No plus-ones.

The formal:

Limited guest list, no plus-ones allowed.

The upbeat:

Psst… we can’t accommodate additional guests, so there won’t be plus-ones for this event. Thanks for understanding!

The bold:

This is a plus-one free zone. Let’s get to know some new people, y’all!

The real:

Limited space + everything expensive these days = no unannounced plus-ones please!

Rules to go by:

• Be direct—the more assertive you are, the less likely people are to try to get around your house rules!

• Only include one name on the invite—this is another way to drive home who’s invited and hope people take your social cue.

• Don’t be afraid to add personality—people can relate to the struggle of venue sizes and guest lists, so don’t be afraid to show you’re human!

But… what if they reach out to me directly?

If someone reaches out directly asking if they can bring a plus-one, how you reply might depend on the closeness of your relationship.

If it’s a close friend, just be frank with them. A simple “Honestly dude, I’m already pretty stressed about numbers so would rather keep it chill if possible!” should do.

If they’re someone you feel you need to walk on eggshells around, my rule of thumb is that less is more. Don’t feel like you need to over-explain or make excuses. You can keep it short with something like “Ahh, I don’t think the venue can fit any more people, sorry!” (and then throw your phone across the room while you await their response… JK). Or, power move, leave no room for questions: “Not doing any plus-ones, but can’t wait to see you!”.

Real talk, though—I feel like it’s my job to give you the confidence that you don’t need to feel awkward about this! While we can’t avoid the discomfort of thinking you’re disappointing someone, you’re already doing enough by planning an event. If they keep asking, you can note that you already told someone else they couldn’t and you want to be consistent.

And, now for my hot take of the day…

We’ve talked about plus-ones at a party, but what about at a wedding? Is it ever okay to ask for a plus-one if you weren’t given one? I’m going to stick my neck out here and say, honestly, no. At the end of the day, weddings are expensive—point blank, period. Asking to bring a plus-one may feel like a small thing, but think of it as asking for another meal, extra space, and the mental add-on of a guest the couple may not know. It’s their big day, and there’s already enough pressure on the couple to plan a big event. Frankly, most couples need a few people to say no, not the added stress of having to tell you they really don’t have space for anyone else.

So, those are my thoughts, but I know this is a pretty hot topic! Let me know what you think about asking for a plus-one in the comments. Is it ever okay? Or, have we as guests gotten a little too comfortable…?

’Til next time,

The Imperfect Host

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⭐ BONUS ROUND ⭐

HOT TAKES FROM THE TEAM

I asked the Evite office what they think about the plus-one debate. Here’s what they said.

• “No +1s were explicitly noted on our wedding invitations. In the FAQs, I listed this as a question and framed it as ‘Sorry! Weddings are expensive.’”- Salpy

• “I think saying ‘We want to keep the group small for this one/we only have a certain number of seats’ is a good way to politely deflect the question. If someone presses after that, they’re in the wrong.” - Ali

• “If +1s aren’t explicitly noted in the invitation, I say don’t ask. In my personal experience, I’ve avoided being put in the awkward position of having to say no to someone by staying one step ahead and saying something along the lines of ‘We are keeping this small and intimate, and would love it if you could join us!’ when sending the invitation. People will usually get the point.” - Belinda

• “My friend had another one of our friends ask if they could bring their new partner (whom she hadn’t met) to her destination wedding - she very politely said she didn’t want to be meeting someone for the first time at her wedding! I think that’s a totally appropriate response and she was glad our friend asked, and our friend was glad she asked as well!” - Erika

• “Casual events I am typically okay with a guest asking. But for weddings, if guests were intended to be okay with +1s, it would have been explicitly noted.” - Cliff